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英语笑话
  • 精神病医生
    Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"
    杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生,我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候,我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间,”医生说,“每周来三次,我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢?”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了,“为什么你再也没来呢?”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗?有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的?他怎么做到的?”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”
  • 可怜的男人
    A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
    Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
    The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
    Bartender: "That should make you happy."
    The man: "No, the month is up today!"
    一个男人坐在酒吧里,伤心至极。
    酒吧招待:“你怎么了?跟老婆闹矛盾了?”
    男人:“我们吵了一架,她说一个月都不跟我说话。”
    酒吧招待:“那你应该高兴才是啊!”
    男人:“不,今天是这个月的最后一天。”
  • 有两条裤子
    A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”
      丈夫下班回到家里,发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了,”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”
      “Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”
      “没事儿,”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”
      “Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”
      “是的,”妻子高兴地说,“幸亏你还有一条,我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”
  • 机长的录音
    This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew... I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.
    这是你们机长的声音。请允许我代表全体工作人员,欢迎你们乘坐英国航空公司602号航班从纽约飞往伦敦。我们此时在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你从飞机的右边向窗外看去,你将会发现右侧的两个引擎都已经起火。如果你从左边往外看,你就会看到那边的机翼已经脱落了。如果你俯视下面的大西洋,那么你会看到一艘黄色的救生筏,上面有三个人正在朝你挥手。那是我、副驾驶员还有我们的一名女乘务员。这是一段录音。
  • Englishi搞笑读法
    小时侯上学,把“English” 读为“应给利息”的同学当了银行行长;读为“阴沟里洗”的成了菜贩子;读为“因果联系”的成了哲学家;读为“硬改历史”的成了政治家; 读为“英国里去”的成了海外华侨;而我,不小心读成了“应该累死”结果成了打工的!
  • 表白
    我问禅师:“我暗恋一个女孩,今天520想去表白但是不敢说出口,怎么办啊?”禅师笑而不语,在纸上大大地写下follow yourheart几个词。我琢磨了后说:“禅师这是让我从心?鼓励我跟随心去告白吗?”
    禅师摇了摇头说到:“不,我是在说你怂,算了吧!”
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