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英语笑话
  • 迟到
    My Sister's Fingers
    Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?
    Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.
    Teacher: I don't see any bandages.
    Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.
    我妹妹的手指头老师:凯温,这次你怎么又迟到了?凯温:对不起,老师,我在家钉钉子,砸坏了两个手指头。老师:怎么没有扎绷带呀?凯温:噢,砸的不是我的手指头,我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。
  • Lawyer and Engineer
    A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
    "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
    The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
    一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说:“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了,保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”
    “这太巧了,”工程师说,“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了,保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
    律师看起来有些困惑,“你是怎么引起洪水的?”他不解的问。
  • A Dog-gone Good Sermon布道有狗方
    A Dog-gone Good Sermon!
    A minister delivered his sermon in only ten minutes, about half the normal time. He apologized, saying, "I’m sorry to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of paper, ate the other half of my sermon. That’s why I couldn’t deliver the whole thing this morning. I’m very sorry!" After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the minister and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any puppies, I want to get one so I can give it to the minister of my church!"
    布道有「狗」方
    有位牧师十分钟就草草结束讲道,只花了平常一半的时间。
    他向教友们致歉,并解释道:「各位,很抱歉,我的狗很爱吃纸,
    今天讲道的另一半内容被狗吃掉了,所以我没办法全部讲完,真的很对不起!」
    礼拜结束后,有一位从别的教堂来的访客,前来跟这位牧师握手致意,
    他说:「牧师先生,您家的狗如果生宝宝的话,能不能送给我一只?
    我想转送给我们教堂的牧师!」
  • Golfer 高尔夫球手
    Once there was a golfer whose ball landed on an anthill(蚁冢).
     
    Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything moved but the golf ball. It sat on the same spot.
     
    So he tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
     
    Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other. "Whoa! What are we going to do?"
     
    Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
     
    从前有个高尔夫球手,他把球打到了一座蚁丘上。
     
    他没有移动球的位置,而是决定就地击球。于是他使劲一挥球杆,尘土和着蚂蚁,四处飞扬。所有的东西都动了,除了那只球,它呆在原地,一动没动。
     
    于是,他准备再次出击。又是一阵尘土飞扬,蚂蚁们也再次跟着遭殃。而高尔夫球还是纹丝不动。
     
    两只蚂蚁幸免于难,一只晕晕乎乎地对另一只说:“哇,我们怎么办啊?”
     
    另一只蚂蚁说:“我不知道你怎么想,但是我准备爬到那只球上去。”
  • Older Goats in America美国老羊
    A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.  
    She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"   
    A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
    一群美国人乘长途汽车在荷兰旅游。他们在一个奶酪场停下来。一位年轻的导游带他们参观了奶酪制作的全过程,解释说用的是羊奶。 她指给这群人一个美丽的山坡,山坡上许多羊在吃草。对这些,她解释说,是放逐草地的老羊,它们已不能再产奶。她然后问道:“在美国你们怎样处理老羊呢?”   
    一位活泼的老绅士回答说:“他们让我们乘车旅行!”
  • A Way to Express Opinion表达意见的方式
    A Way to Express Opinion
    An actor was making his debut performance and invited a prominent
    director to watch his act, hoping that he would star him in his movies
    and make him famous. He put forth his best effort. After the
    performance, he came down from the stage and found that the
    director had dozed off! The new actor was extremely hurt and said
    to the director: "Let me tell you frankly, I invited you here because
    I have tremendous faith in you, yet you dozed off! Can't you see
    how important your opinion is to me?"
    The director answered: "Dozing off is also a way to express my opinion!"
    有一个人,他第一次表演节目,所以请了一个很出名的
    导演来看他的表演,看要不要录用他,让他将来能成
    为大明星什么的。他在那边一直表演得辛苦,结束以后
    他下台来,竟然看到导演在打瞌睡!那个新的演员非常、
    非常伤心,他问导演:「我告诉你啊!我是很信任、
    很信任你,才请你过来,结果你在那边打瞌睡!
    你不知道你的意见对我多么重要吗?」
    然后那个导演就说:「打瞌睡也是一种意见啊!」
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